Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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