People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
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I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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