Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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