I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
