No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
