There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
