That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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