shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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