I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She said her name was "party"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
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hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.