I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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