After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
