I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
