I am full of burrito and curiosity
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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