I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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