and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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