I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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