What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
