I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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