in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
