I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
