tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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