He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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