all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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