I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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