chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
