She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
