I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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