I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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