Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
