I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm having to shit out rocks
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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