i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
