get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
