Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
40s are totally the cure
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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