the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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