Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
