I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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