just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Green mimosas i think yes
Let's paint friendship bongs
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
