you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
