I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
God I need to hump something, right now.
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