Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
