: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
