drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
