You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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