he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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