alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
