there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
