Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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