Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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