you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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