I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
