The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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