Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
