So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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