I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
